chocolate-covered cheesecake on a stick
i just made an elongated choking sound
i would deepthroat like 4 of these at one time.
i would eat it normally yall weird as fuck
I’m the human grumpy cat.
When I think the mic is turned off but it’s not
women who had period cramps before pain killers were invented were metal as fuck let’s give them a standing ovation
A round of menopause.
It was a difficult period of history for everyone
My mom made pot pie for dinner and as she sat down at the table she said “Oh no! I forgot the peas!” and I said “then I guess it’s just an ‘ot ie” and now I have to eat alone in the living room.
"What seems to be the problem here?"
don’t lie. you know this is a crossover you’d want to see.
I AM LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW
i have a baaaad feeling about this
what if in school instead of raising our hands we raised our legs
When you have a really “good” answer.
My blood type is coffee.
Yeah, coffee! Because if you’re not shaking, you need another cup :-)
The years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.
Helen Mirren (via tittyxfuck)
i called out, “hey you lil’ shit” and all three of them responded to that
collections that are raw as fuck ➝ rami kadi f/w 2013-14
Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them.
Lemony Snicket (via tonedeafwriter)
Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”
Gay Man: “Excuse me?”
Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”
Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”
Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”
(The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)
Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”
(Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)
Owner: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”
Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”
Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”
(The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)