(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” —Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via mydemisee) @DirtyBirdsRadio @Melisser (via erinred)
those feelings when you want a relationship
but you don’t
but you do
but you don’t
if i ever start a band i’m going to name it “music” and then it will be literally impossible to find any of our songs on the internet
the first album : “Unknown album”
the hit single: “track 1”
Some people wanna watch the world burn
When Dothraki are defeated in combat, they cut off their braids in disgrace, so the world will know their shame. Khal Drogo has never lost a fight. He is Aegon the Dragonlord come again, and you will be his queen.
For Viserys, hardly the most humble of characters, to claim Drogo is the greatest of the Dragon Kings reborn (when Drogo isn’t in earshot) says a lot about the skill as a warrior Drogo has. Drogo is unstoppable, especially in the show, where he’s skillfully played by Jason Mamoa (whose personal…foibles I won’t get into). He pulls a Strong Belwas on Mago (again, in the show) and lets himself get slashed.
Speaking of Mago, in the book version of that scene, when Drogo is dismissing him, he says “And Mago, hold your tongue”, which I find rather amusing.
My parents, when watching Game of Thrones, hounded me for spoilers every week from the moment Bran got defenestrated. After Mago got his tongue pulled out his of his throat, my parents asked me if ‘anyone is dying next week’. So I told them Drogo probably was. My dad refused to believe it. He wanted specifics. “How does he die?!”
The shoulder wound, I told him. He seemed taken aback. “Was the sword poisoned, or something?” And don’t you know, I had to think about it. The first time I read through the series, I was under that impression. I assumed one of the two Khals that Drogo killed had used poison. Or that his wound got infected because he refused to wear the poultice, and that it was just a hint that anyone could die in this series, no matter how mundane the reason, because that’s how people die. Valar Morghulis, after all.
But upon my first re-read, and every re-read since, Mirri Maz Durr killed him. The poultice that burned him burned because it was poisoning him, and it got the wound infected before it could heal. She used Dany’s naivete and trustful nature to kill Drogo and Rhaego.
Drogo also makes for an interesting psychological look. At first, he pretty clearly just wants to bed the attractive dragon girl. But, as time goes on, he truly does seem to love her. One of my favorite moments in both the book and the show is his speech after Dany is almost poisoned by the wine-seller. Earlier, he had definitively said that they would not be travelling to Westeros, that the Stallion Who Mounts the World has no need for an Iron Chair.
And to Rhaego, son of Drogo, the Stallion who will mount the world, to him I also pledge a gift. To him I will give the iron chair his mother’s father sat in. I will give him Seven Kingdoms. I, Drogo, khal, will do this thing. … I will take my khalasar west to where the world ends, and ride the wooden horses across the black salt water as no khal has done before. I will kill the men in the iron suits, and tear down their stone houses. I will rape their women, take their children as slaves, and bring their broken Gods back to Vaes Dothrak, to bow down beneath the Mother of Mountains.
Clearly, one threatens Drogo’s family at their own peril. Viserys learned that as well, after all. Now, you could make the point that he only cares about his son. After all, both the wine-seller and Viserys threatened Rhaego when they threatened Dany. I would concede that you could be right, but I doubt it. Drogo genuinely seems to respect, take pride in, and care about Dany. Again, one of my absolute favorite lines from the book is in the scene with Mago. (They added an action bit in the show, which I don’t understand. True, you couldn’t show the fight with the Khals [Why, I’m not sure], but was there any reason to kill Mago? He’s apparently got a part to play in The Winds of Winter, and won’t that be a fun thing to adapt?) Anyway, the line in question is, of course, the “See how fierce she grows!” True, he credits it to Rhaego, filling her with his fire, but he adds “if the mother doesn’t burn you where you stand”.
To take a quick second and examine a key facet of his character, Drogo never loses a fight. Think on that. Never. From when he was a kid to when he died. From that we can assume one of three things: a) He’s always been a hulking tank of murder, b) he’s intelligent enough to only pick fights he knows he can win, or c) BOTH.
Also, Drogo is connected with three major events in A Game of Thrones. He kills Viserys, the man who, in an ordinary fantasy series, probably would have become the Big Bad. But that’s hardly the only hint that A Song of Ice and Fire isn’t your daddy’s epic fantasy series. When Drogo himself falls, it really sells it. If Viserys could become the major threat, then Drogo definitely is.
Finally, of course, there’s Drogo’s funeral pyre that brings the return of the dragons, something that no Targaryen could do, with wildfire or spells or tragedies. It certainly isn’t expected. Drogo and Dany, wandering around the Dothraki sea, conquering villages and raising their dark messiah son, yes. Dany, childless and widowed, raising dragons?
His legacy remains his impact on Dany’s life. If he hadn’t been so fierce and strong, she may have been more impressed with Quentyn, not so lovestruck by Daario, etc.
When I began writing this behemoth out, I wondered why it was that Drogo of all characters sparked three whole pages of discourse, when his role ended way back in book one. But has his role ended? The sun of Dorne is rising in the east, and Oberyn fell in the west. The Mountain that Rode has blown apart like leaves. The leader of the sea of Pike has a smoking arm that has no moisture in it. And, as her last chapter in A Dance with Dragons shows, Dany miscarried, which means she may yet bear a living child. Will Khal Drogo ride again?
That depends if Mirri Maz Durr was making a prophecy or a mockery. I thought it was the latter at first, that she was doing what Tywin would do two books later, saying something that sounded like a hint but was in reality a dismissal. Just a fancy way of her saying ‘Never’. But that was before so many of the signs started happening, in some form or another. Who can guess what Dany will find floating, out in the Dothraki sea?